The Ten Commandments of Working with Nerds

For the following, I am indebted to a friend who must needs remain anonymous.

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Of working with nerds ...  I was in the dark, but now I see the light.  Here are the rules thou shalt follow:

1.  ALWAYS complain about how much work you have.  The more you complain, the higher your nerd and ego score.  Before you go to work each day remember to repeat ten times:  I'm the biggest nerd in the whole wide world.  Then you will be prepared to do battle with the other nerds and break them down to wannabe nerds and tears.  Make sure to complain about how everything in your life (sleep, exercise, hobbies, house, kids, wife, etc.) is so miserable because you spend so much time at work and thus can't do anything else.

2.  ALWAYS try to show how much work you have.  Pack your lunch to save the time to walk across the street and grab lunch.  Bringing a boxed lunch to work and working in front of your terminal gives you bonus nerd points.  Make sure to eat the same thing every day lest someone think you spend any time thinking about other things besides work.  Stuff your face as fast as possible.  Commute to work by bike so you can show to people that you are so freakin' efficient that you multi-task and thus do not need to do other exercise.  Make verbal grunts at your terminal when something doesn't work the way you think it should so you can show your frustration with the stuff written by other lower level nerds, which is not under your direct super nerdy control.

3.  Optimize the freak out of everything.  Never walk orthorgonal when you can walk diagonal.  Always cross the street before the 'hand cross light' turns on when you know it's going to turn on lest you lose 10 seconds of your nerdy life.  Never have a shell alias longer than two letters.  Never use correct grammar for sentences.  Argue with your colleagues about the most minute trivial details and theorize about how things should be done at all times.  Remember, the nerd who gives up arguing first is the loser.

4.  Mock anybody who has any hobbies or interests that might not be be work related or rank high on the nerd scale.  These things are easily taken hold of as signs of weakness.  Things such as doing a custom install of a operating system or knowing every emacs shortcut give you bonus points.  If you find somebody has a non-nerd hobby make sure to say something like "are ya still doing biiiiiiiiikiiiiiiiiiiing?" with a nice snobby smirk and head bobble for good measure.  Remember, being a nerd is a full-time battle against other nerds for nerd supremacy.  You must grab ahold of any ammunition you can muster to break them down.  Always inquire as to how much time the person spends doing their hobbies so you can calculate scientifically how much time they are working.  Also, gossip as much as possible about which people have hobbies and which people are going to the company beer bash, etc.

5.  If you get sick, even with H1N1, make freakin' sure you go to work!!!  You wouldn't want to make anybody think you were lazy, right?  Plus by making everyone else sick you increase your productivity rating vs. theirs, booyah double whammy!  Remember, your nerd score is the most important thing.  If you decide not to go to work then give a complete dissertation on your symptoms:  101F fever, snot poring out of nostrils, vomiting cheeseburgers all night long, etc. etc.  You still have to work from home though.

6.  Take as few breaks as possible.  Here's how you do it:  Drink a coffee in the morning and then a coffee in the afternoon.  If your pee isn't dark yellow then you're not working hard enough.  Never take breaks for your eyes and body and slouch as much as possible.  Doing otherwise might mean that you don't have a reckless disregard for your health and is a sign of weakness.  Always complain about how you don't have time to exercise and you are so out of shape.  The more out of shape you are and the junkier food you eat the more bonus points you get.  It shows that you only care about your fabulous brain.

7.  Also, never work while listening to music.  Remember, even though the work might consist of being a glorified perl scripter or 'flow runner' that a monkey could do, you got to show that you enjoy it like crazy and you are using that awesome brain of yours at full operating capacity.  Always complain about how the problem you are solving is sooooo complicated.

8.  Dress like a nerd.  The older your clothes the better, especially if they are from your original home country and cost less than $10 per item.  Glasses give you bonus points, especially if you lost your vision after staring at computer screens too long.  Remember, wearing old clothes is a sign of hard work:  it means you didn't have time to shop.  Also, the money is better spent buying dual monitors sized large enough to match your ego.

9.  Never decorate your cube or have anything except a solid computer screen background lest someone think you might have other important things in your life besides work.  If you do decorate it put a bunch of patent and wafer momentos in there so you can you show off your nerditude.

10.  Always work late at night and get into work about 11am.  Remember, the morning is for sleeping and the metabolism and brain is too revved up and thus work can't be accomplished.  Only people that work late at night get work done and it's a true sign of nerddom.  Even if you are doing jack shit make sure to send e-mail every hour starting at 9pm until 3am.

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This e-mail was sent to you by a nerd is not for distribution to other nerds lest they see the light and discover how to increase their nerdiness.